Please click here to refer to the post I am applying for.
To: Human Resources Manager
Dear Sir / Mdm,
Application for position as Product Specialist
I have completed a Honour Research Project which spans over a year. During this period, I was trained in advanced research techniques and conduct scientific research along with our M.Sc. and Ph.D. students under the mentorship of full-time and adjunct faculty members from the Life Sciences departments. With many opportunities to participate in seminars and presentations aimed at developing communication and writing skills, I certainly developed ample organising, analytical and problem-solving skills.
During my third year in NUS, I have also enrolled in a Professional Communication: Principles and Practices course. The aim was to develop the skills to become a more effective communicator in various social settings, but most especially, within the workplace. The vigorous requirement of the 5 months course has certainly enhanced my capability and equipped myself with priceless knowledge and skills in effective communication, good interpersonal relationship and presentation skill.
Some of my interests include trekking, jogging, cycling and most outdoor activities. I enjoy meeting people and have no problem working in a team-oriented environment. On the other hand, I can be an independent individual who is easily adaptable to different cultures and environment. Therefore, travelling for overseas assignment if required will not be an issue to me.
With my qualifications, analytical skills, enthusiasm, and commitment to work hard, I am certain you would quickly find me a valuable asset to your company. My expected salary is negotiable.
Hereby, I have enclosed a copy of my resume and if you need any further information, please contact me at 81112222(mobile) or email: abc22@hotmail.com. I look forward to hear from you. Thank you.
Yours faithfully,
Diana Yap
Encl: Resume
Note: My address, email address and mobile number are not stated for privacy purposes.
Hi Diana,
ReplyDeleteI find, in general, that your application letter is clear and there were no major issues with language.
However, I find that perhaps you could improve on the fluency, concreteness as well as conciseness. You could also perhaps draw a more direct link between your skills and the job responsibilities.
For example, in the first paragraph, you could perhaps be more specific as to what skills you have picked up while working at Toshiba, and how that would be useful to you if you got the advertised job.
Next, I am not quite sure if your interests in the third paragraph belongs in an application letter. My gut feeling would be that it is not. Perhaps others or Brad could shed more light on this?
Finally, a rather interesting mistake I have picked up: in your second paragraph, you wrote "(...) a Honour Research Project (...)". It should be "an Honours Research Project". Please see http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080617013748AAbDh8g for further clarification.
Hi Diana
ReplyDeleteI agree with Clement that you could have linked up your skills with the requirements of the job that you are applying for. For example, in your third paragraph, you mentioned about gaining knowledge on effective communication and developing good interpersonal skills. You could carry on by saying "I believe these skills would be able to help me build strong relationships with clients."
Also, in your third paragraph, since you are talking about Professional Communication, you could add in "Through many group assignments, I have learnt to work well with others (...)". I feel that it would sound concrete if you mention a past experience and then a skill or a certain knowledge that you gained from it.
Lastly, I would like to point out some typo errors.
1. Third paragraph last sentence should be "good interpersonal relationship and presentation skills" instead of "good interpersonal relationship and presentation skill".
2. Forth paragraph last sentence should be "travelling for overseas assignments" instead of "travelling for overseas assignment".
3. Last paragraph: "I look forward to hearing from you." instead of "I look forward to hear from you."
All the best for your second draft!
Dear Diana,
ReplyDeleteGood post in relation to the job requirements. I have a few points of improvement -
1) Sale and Marketing should be 'sales' and marketing(I think) in paragraph 1.
2) Tenses: There are a few issues with the tenses used. For eg: 'I have assisted' would have been better with I assisted which is past tense.
Similarly, 'I have also enrolled in ES2007S' is definitely not recommended.
3)'but most especially' in ES2007S paragraph is something to change.
4) 'priceless' in ES2007S paragraph would be an exaggeration which I would avoid.
5) 'I can be an independent individual' is probably not the most positive of sentences.
6) I'm not sure if the part about interests has been overdone.
7) 'certain you would quickly ifnd me as a valuable asset' - I am not sure if this is the best way of phrasing the line. I would think your letter could be better without it.
8) I don't feel mentioning the salary is required.
Hope this helps!
Cheers
Rohan
Hi Diana!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Clement that generally, your application letter is clear. However, I also felt that it could be further improved in the following areas:
1. From your first sentence, I deduce that you are writing from the perspective of someone who has already graduated from NUS. Hence, I think it would be more appropriate to phrase your experiences in past tense, especially for the 1st and 3rd paragraph.
2. I would agree with Rohan that it may be inappropriate to include your interests ( jogging, trekking, etc) although I see that you are trying to draw the link between your out-going personality and the job requirement of being able to create rapport with clients (if I’m not wrong?). Perhaps you could use another experience to substantiate this? Or perhaps simply state your personality (of being out-going)?
Hello Jolene, Rohan, Jasper and Clement,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. I will take all into consideration and make the necessary changes in my second draft.
I thought it would be better to be clear and concise, therefore I summarized all together how my work experience and academic activities would benefit me with the necessary skills for the job I am applying for towards the end of the letter. Instead of mentioning it after every key activities mentioned in my letter. However, I would certainly consider all your valuable comments and improve on my second draft.